my name is steve and i live on the moon

My name is Steve and I live on the moon. It turns out that the moon is not made of cheese. This was a disappointment to me as it was my primary reason for moving up here in the first place. The other was the creeping realisation that, whilst there were some individuals on planet earth who I loved and cared about and who, occasionally, made well-reasoned and intelligent choices and decisions based on new things they learned (on a daily basis) and not just ridiculous dogma programmed into their skulls from birth; the whole great big mish-mash called society had, quite simple, lost it’s very last marble and was now dribbling and muttering incoherently in the corner stuffing “insanity crisps” in it’s gobhole and pouring “nutball cola” down it’s gullet…

The benefits of living up here outweigh the comparitively minor inconveniences of asphyxiation and a really long trip to the chemist. For one, cellphones do not work here so that, if we had restaurants, we would not have to deal with the person opposite us inexplicably answering their cellphone on the first ring, without explanation or excuse, regardless of the fact that we were mid-sentence in a very amusing story concerning a porcupine, a dollar bill, a policeman and my aunt Edna who works in the after-care and shoelace industry. A story that always gets a great audience at parties.

For another we are not subject to the laws, morals and attitudes of earthly nations which means we can watch porn as often as we like without fear of arrest, condescention, condemnation or social excommunication.

So we will.

As soon, in fact, as we get electricity and I can afford a TV set and a DVD player that work in a vacuum. Thirdly, no-one here has penis-envy or any other idiotic societal-related and artificially inflated inferiority complexes designed to push consumerism. That is because I am the only one here- and only meet imaginary people. And there are no shops to sell any of us anything.

And then there is the view, which is spectacular.

Mind you, it is a long trip to the chemist.